I’ve been wanting to explain what type of cult I was in for a while now, unfortunately the cult I was in is practically unknown, like most cults it masks itself as an established religion, one commonly known to most people and it’s very difficult trying to explain how it isn’t actually related to any religion is hard.

To be honest about my experience with this cult I cannot edit out the imaginary ties it had to Islam, I can tell you that these ties aren’t real, I can assure you that the cult is as Islamic as the KKK is Christian it’s just not as well known.

So please, please do not read this as a reason to fear or hate Muslims do not use it as an excuse to further misguided opinions as to what Islam is as Islam, in all honesty, is just like every other religion. (In my opinion)

My mother converted to Islam when I was 11, at first her beliefs were normal and her conversion had little effect on my life but within a year or so she had begun to constantly preach to me and my siblings in situations we couldn’t get away from – like while in the car.

By the time I was 13 I had also converted, it felt like my choice at the time and it did make me feel peace and happiness. But it can hardly be seen as appropriate for such a young person to make such a big decision and there was constant emotional manipulation at play my mother would have me trapped and would say “I want what’s best for you and I KNOW this is the truth, I believe this is the best thing for our lives” She sounded so sincere and I trusted my mother’s judgement.

For a few years, we were normal practicing Muslims, but things became stricter, at 15 my mother started believing that to truly have a chance at getting to heaven that we must observe more than is requested in Islam as that is secretly what God wanted us to do.

So we covered more and we prayed more, we fasted more we went to more talks, more lectures and more classes.

This is when things became more fundamentalist, this was NOT the teachings we were given but it seemed to be what my mother decided to take away from those teachings, For example;

Islamically as I’m sure most people know, there are 5 prayers a day for Muslims, but there are other daily prayers that you can choose to do and they’re called ‘Sunnah’ prayers, it was never suggested in classes or by other educated Muslims that these prayers were mandatory, in fact I don’t even remember being encouraged to try to do them, most scholars would tell us to ‘relax’ to try our best at what was compulsory and to be patient.

But my mother believed to be a ‘truly devout and pious’ Muslims we must observe everything we learned as not doing so was ‘sinful’. She started having more and more outrageous beliefs, she occasionally would say that while suicide bombing was wrong it was ‘sometimes understandable’ she once told me that if it meant I would go to heaven she would kill me to protect my ‘honor’ because she ‘loved’ me that much!

She believed, and maybe still does, that the earth is flat, the Queen is a lizard-person, the Government was poisoning the water with Fluoride to control our minds and make us more subservient, vaccines contained mind-altering drugs, the world is controlled by the Illuminate and the Freemasons under the guidance of the ’24 protocols’, 9/11 and 7/7 were faked by the Government to blind people from the ‘truth’, that we must prepare for the end of days, that only White, Western people were ever gay, the moon landing was faked – pretty much every conspiracy theory out there my mother preached like gospel.

These views I now know are not Islamic but more the beliefs of a paranoid individual who had just discovered the internet! Yet she had such a way of meshing it all together, using unusual religious doctrine to defend her beliefs and then teaching them to me. I was told that a truly pious daughter would always do whatever her mother tells her so she can  go to heaven, my mother would often misquote an Islamic saying that went “Heaven lies at the feet of your mother”

And barring a few of the above beliefs I believed her and followed her.

She then married for the 5th time as a second wife to a man who had also converted and carried even more odd and extreme views than her.

Suddenly my religious beliefs were spiraling out of control, I was confused – when I first started practicing Islam I was told to take things slowly, to try my best and not to expect too much of myself, I was taught that men and women were equal, that I could choose what to do with my life and now I was praying nearly 20 times a day, readying myself for an arranged marriage as this was my ‘religious duty’ my worth as a Muslim woman was to cook, clean and get pregnant and to obey my husband in everything.

All my education was ‘religious’ there was never any question as to my professional future – I could only go to school if my future husband allowed it!

The religious doctrine changed too, I was no longer supposed to read and practice the Qur’an but to read a book that ‘explained’ the Qur’an written by a better Muslim than me and therefore was unquestionable.

Every day I had to sit and listen to about an hour of preaching from a book called ‘Ta’Leemul Haq’ I was told it was more ‘spiritually beneficial’ than the Qur’an – which is certainly not a typical Islamic belief! I found it to be cruel and scary and it bore no resemblance to my initial understanding of Islam.

I could never do enough I was always falling short of expectations there was always more I needed to do to be a ‘true’ Muslim.

We called ourselves ‘Jammatis’ or at least that is what my mother and her husband called it, it meant that religiously we should always worship together, it was often a duty to stay at another person’s home for days or even weeks doing nothing but pray and read Ta’Leemul Haq. The men went door-to-door trying to get other Muslims to follow our example, like being a Jehovah’s Witness who only preaches to other Jehovah’s Witnesses!

But even though I knew things weren’t normal I couldn’t just leave, my mother would (and eventually did) disown me, my questions were seen as signs of demonic possession my unwillingness to take part was often looked upon with suspicion and I sometimes feared for my safety.

I was furnished with many horror stories about the world made to feel as if I was constantly in danger – Non-Muslims were dangerous they either wanted to hurt me or lead me astray from my religion – I didn’t have a Non-Muslim friend until my 20s!

Everything I did was monitored, my mother checked my emails, my phone, my online profiles, she had me followed when I went out alone, she would call and text me incessantly until I came home.

Because of all this indoctrination, I didn’t enter the real world until just a few years ago! I lived in a pre-Armageddon world, where the smallest action could send me to heaven or to the fiery pits of hell where I’d burn for all eternity – I would often sob with fear at the thought that I might’ve done something wrong and condemned myself unknowingly.

I was miserable and so alone so that when things inevitably turned violent I simply ran away, I couldn’t do it anymore – I’d totally lost my belief in God and I couldn’t keep up the charade I knew that staying there would be more dangerous and even though I had nowhere to go but sleeping on the streets for 12 nights still felt like a better, safer option.

It wasn’t until I was free of this mind control that I finally understood what had actually been going on, I realized that it had been many years since I had been following an actual religion, my beliefs and my understanding of the way life works were not normal, that people generally didn’t have this experience growing up – you have no idea how incredibly mind-blowing it is to realize what you have commonly believed as fact for years is actually total fiction that bears no semblance to a reasonable, rational belief.

So let’s be clear this was not Islam, this was a cult, my mother a leader, a preacher of her own gospel using mind games and manipulation on me, as well as my siblings, to gain total control of my life.

There’s nothing religious about these beliefs and they have no actual basis Islamically.

The control, the mind games, the verbal/physical abuse, the literal demonizing of critical thought are all hallmark traits of a cult and I see no other better way to describe it.

I no longer believe in God – oddly enough my experience has sullied my opinion on the subject! But I respect those who chose to practice any belief that is intended to encourage us to be kinder, more understanding and compassionate.

I never thought I’d be stupid enough to fall for a cult but it’s not like they advertise the fact. I was young and too trusting and now I am paying the price, I’m years behind my peers and still unravelling a decade of mind control and indoctrination – so don’t judge me I’m embarrassed enough as it is.