My Fondest Memories

We all know the current news right now and naturally, we’re all worried and with many people (including me!) forced into self Isolation its also driving us stir crazy!

Now I’ve been sitting here trying to think of something to post that could distract you all for a few moments without causing any more distress and as most of you have realised by now that’s a pretty difficult task considering my childhood!

So I’m afraid you’ll have to settle for some of my fondest memories, they’re not necessarily PG but hopefully, 1 or 2 will make you smile!

So when I was a child I was a vegetarian, it was how I was naturally, I didn’t like anything about meat, the taste, the texture, the smell, how it looked all made me nauseous. This wasn’t a big problem at home but the first few years I went to school were horrendous.

I would dread my school lunch, most of the time I didn’t want to eat because I simply wasn’t hungry but other times the meals were just gross for a 4-year-old.
Despite my age, the teachers would punish me for not eating my meal forcing me to miss break time unless I finished my food but worst was when they would tell the whole table of kids that none of them could go out for playtime until I finished and would tell the other kids to “encourage” me to eat and that led to threats and bullying. One teacher even brought my lunch into class to show the kids how ungrateful I was!

Eventually, my mother came down to the school and insisted I be given a vegetarian option making it clear that I had never eaten meat and the school eventually and reluctantly agreed.

One day I was given a vegetarian meal which honestly looked like gruel, it was grey and lumpy and I could not identify any of the ingredients so I refused to eat, sitting alone in the lunch hall my teacher walked by me she stopped suddenly and angrily said “Is that your special vegetarian meal that your mother made such a fuss about – and your STILL not eating!?”

I said nothing so she stormed over sat beside me and started to force-feed me, I knew I was going to be sick and sure I could’ve turned away but I felt that projectile vomiting all over her would have more of an impact – and I was right!
I plastered her in sick, it was like that scene from ‘The Exorcist’, unluckily for her, she was wearing a mini-skirt and no tights, the school had no shower facilities so she had to drive home and change!

After that incident, I got a cheese salad every day and all was right with the world!

Once while home alone I decided to be a little rebellious, my mother was out on a date with her then-husband who was a smoker so I decided to take one of his cigarettes and smoke it.

I went into my mother’s bedroom and I took one of his roll-ups, from a tin which ironically had the term “shit happens” written on it.
I took it to my bedroom and smoked it out the window as quickly as possible.

I don’t remember a lot of what happened next I remember feeling sick and seeing vibrant colours and next thing I know I’m lying on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night!

The next day I was filled with guilt and anxiety so I decided to tell my mother what I had done as I knew smoking could kill and I thought I might be dying!
The first thing she said was “You didn’t take it out of the tin by the bed did you?” I said I did and she burst out laughing saying “That wasn’t a normal cigarette that’s the tin he keeps his joints in – they have Cannabis in them! So that’s why you were sleeping on the floor last night”

I had no idea that my mother’s husband smoked Cannabis, he was the only smoker I knew and I just thought all cigarettes smelled funny!

Now I’ve lived a lot of years in a short period of time and it shows, people have always believed me to be much, much older than I actually and -sometimes by decades.

Once I went with my twin into a MacDonald’s, I was in charge of the money and I’d worked out that we only had enough to share a Happy Meal.

My brother was pestering me for a Big Mac as we stood in the queue and I snapped at him saying “I don’t have enough for a Big Mac we’re getting the Happy Meal, now go find us somewhere to sit!”

I like to think I’m naturally authoritative rather than bossy……

I get to the head of the queue and the women taking the order looks at me and says “Kids, huh, how old’s yours?” I didn’t quite understand what she meant so I just answered “he’s 11” she then said “Oh I’ve got a 10-year-old, it’s a difficult age they always want things you can’t afford and they never let it go” and she started to ask my advice as to what to tell her son who wanted an expensive pair of trainers unable to help myself I told her to “get him, trainers, that fit his feet, he’ll only grow out of them in a few months anyway” I also told her not to give him an option.

Honestly, I do not understand why she thought I was so old……!

I hope this is the end of the conversation that I can walk away without having to make an uncomfortable situation but she then asks an inescapable question “How many kids do you have” I feel if I lie here I won’t be able to come back from it and it’ll only get worse so I say; “Um, none actually – he’s my brother” I leave out the twins part and that technically he was born first – no need to rub salt in the would.

Well, she was mortified she dives over the counter and takes my hand saying “I am so sorry!” just apologising again and again until the manager put her on a break!

Also yep, my brother HATES IT when I tell this story!

I usually consider myself to be a wimp/wuss but when someone else is in danger, being treated badly or unfairly I always do something to help. I stand up for others because I’m too stupid to consider the risks involved and because I wish someone had for me.

And this means occasionally, in extreme circumstances things have turned…..physical…

When I was 15 I was helping look after a large group of children in a community centre while the parents listened to a lecture upstairs.

There were just over 80 children and 7 carers, including myself, we decided to divide the children and I went and started playing games with my group, not long after I noticed the group was growing, children were begging to stay in my group I asked why and some of the children said “The other teachers are hitting us”

I was shocked I looked around and sure enough, every other carer were hitting the kids with whatever they had managed to get a hold of – seriously one woman was hitting children with a pack of Styrofoam cups!

I went over and told them all individually and asked them to stop, I told them off and it worked with all but one woman who just argued back at me saying they “deserved it”

She was aggressive – a total bully the few children she had were cowering in fear so I stepped between them and her and told them to run to the other side of the room, most of them did but one boy was so scared I had to promise him I wouldn’t let her near him she dived at him and I had to restrain her but he got free.

Now there were no children in her care and I was telling all of the children to stay away from her when a little boy no older than 5 got too close, she lunged at him, grabbed him in with 1 hand and struck him with a large plank of wood she had in the other around his neck.

He went flying backward I felt sick for a few moments he was in so much shock he couldn’t even cry out. I was terrified he was seriously injured I even thought he was dead for a moment. I picked him up and gave to an older child and told them to go upstairs and get his parents.

After that I lost my mental shit and charged at her I took the plank of wood she had and started hitting her with it screaming “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!?!” In my anger, I tried to break the plank of wood over my knee but it was too thick and that just pissed me off more before I knew it she was on the floor and I was sitting on her chest slapping the shit out of her.

It took 6 adults to drag me off her…..

Once we were separated, things didn’t look good for me, all the people upstairs had seen was me attacking her but suddenly I was surrounded by children they refused to let them take me away telling the adults “It wasn’t her fault!” and “They were all hitting us” “she tried to stop her but the teacher wouldn’t stop”

I went to sit down and they all followed while I sat there covered in children they gave me a Ribena and I packet of Animal Crackers and I knew then that I had their respect!

Unfortunately, I was told I would need to leave because of the incident the kids begged me to stay they were scared that once I left the women would go back to hitting them so I refused to leave until they removed the woman who had assaulted the child and while waiting I told the children that behind one of the curtains there was a lot of rope and to use it if they had to, they asked how they could fight back and I said “There are 80 of you and 5 of them”

When I left there were a group of parents waiting they cheered for me, the parents of the injured child gave me a giant hug and thanked me for doing something.

It was an eventful day….all in all.

A few years later I was in Uni and living in Student Accommodation.

One Friday night I was writing up an essay when I heard some banging and screaming, I didn’t think much of it as the area was rough so this wasn’t uncommon but a few minutes later I heard a woman crying outside my bedroom window.

At first, I tried to ignore it as my essay was going so well but the sobbing continued and it felt wrong to ignore it.
I went outside, sat down beside the woman and we got to chatting and it turned out her boyfriend was abusing her, he’d roughed her up and she’d run away to the back of the building because she was too scared to go back inside.

Eventually, she came inside my flat and we called the police we had to wait for hours but eventually, the police came and removed him.

The next day at 8am I’m woken up with banging and screaming so I dart out of bed and follow the noise wearing nothing but my nightie, and find my neighbour being attacked by her boyfriend – again!
I did the only thing I could think and shouted “OI YOU WOKE ME UP!” which at least distracted him from kicking her – oddly enough he apologised!

Anyway he wouldn’t leave and so I walked right by him picked her up and guided back into my flat again we called the police and even though I never changed when her mother turned up she thought I was a police officer because of what my neighbour had told her!

My neighbour was so grateful for the help she sent me a gift and a “Thank you” card! Even better she left the guy and had him prosecuted so some stories have happy endings!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

I am often a bad friend, I cut myself off from those who care about me, ignore their advice, take their friendship for granted, I forget birthdays, holidays and events, in general, I hide my problems or overburden them in weepy phone calls in the middle of the night and I’m not proud of it.

I have good friends, they are kind, compassionate intelligent and mature and I am lucky to have them still in my life, nothing in my life was good until these folks showed up.

As I’ve explained time and time again I find it hard to verbally express myself and I rarely show affection so these people (despite knowing me very well and therefore know how I feel) have probably never heard how terribly grateful I am for their ongoing love and support.

So I’m going to write something about all of them in terms both vague enough to protect their privacy and specific enough so at least they’ll know I’m talking about them!

I hope people reading this will at least understand how much these people mean to me and how much they have changed my life for the better – it’s these people who have helped me survive.

To My Favourite Flatmate!

When you moved in I was so happy to have you there but also sad, I felt guilty suggesting you live in such crappy student flats with me – but hey it was quite cheap!

When we first met on that protest I knew there was something about you that was just like me I spent the day eying you up trying to figure out what it was! It was on the way back we both got to see what it was that we had in common.

You have no idea how much I needed to find you, all these things I’d been dying to say to someone who could understand I had been totally silent about my life until I met you. I got to tell you things and you didn’t make me regret it.

You had a cool, calm, patient demeanour and you listened to me without judgement. You explained so many things to me that I didn’t understand and slowly and patiently you showed me how people were supposed to treat others.

The kind of patience you showed me helped me better understand the real world and the people in it, you helped me come to terms with a lot of abuse I didn’t even recognise was abuse at the time.

I remember a few years ago going through a meltdown, I was suicidal but there was no help available, you stayed up for days with me, keeping me protected, you didn’t try to distract me, you didn’t tell me to “cheer up” you didn’t tell me “things will get better” you just listened to my pain.

Most of all you are still, after all these years there for me when I need you I know I never remember your birthday and I’m rarely capable of getting you a gift. I would dearly love to give you all that you deserve.

To My Sassy Lassy!

When we first met for coffee I thought you were too cool to ever consider being my friend.

How lucky I am that we met and even though I’ve known you for a few years I feel like we’ve known each other for our whole lives.

You’re one of the bravest people I know, I am constantly in awe of your outspoken nature, you demand respect from others something I wish I could do.

Some people mistake your personality as aggressive (something that would never happen if you were a man!) but I know that this is not true, you care so deeply about others and about what is just and fair.

Your bravery runs deep it’s not just about asking for the respect of others but about making sure you have done what’s necessary to deserve it – you have expectations of yourself as well as others.

If you are criticized you analyse yourself and your behaviour even if that criticism is baseless.

It takes a lot for a person to recognise they’re not perfect and you are always the first to admit your faults.

Often people believe that ‘faults’ are a type of failing a wrongdoing, a point of complete personal blame. I think their wrong faults are what make us human, there’s no such thing as a perfect human being but the best kind of human being is the kind that expects things from themselves before expecting them from others.

You work hard at everything you do but while you work difficult hours you always have time for me, I absolutely love going out with you!

You are the only person who can get me out of my flat and get me to enjoy it, seeing you and hanging out is always the highlight of my week!

You are an incredibly loyal friend, you’d go into battle for any of the people you care about and I know you’ll be by my side whatever comes my way.

You believe in me so much you make me feel I can do anything, you encourage me to follow my goals and when I’m with you, you give me a confidence I never thought I would have.

You are a good person, always remember that.

To My Fervent Feminist!

I never thought the strongest feminist I ever met would be a man, I always assumed you couldn’t truly understand unless you were in it, but I was wrong.

You read “Every-day Feminism” literally every day – your more well-read about sexist events around the world and get more outraged than I do and that’s MY thing!

You know there are no real differences between men and women and you truly believe in equality anyone who has EVER spoken to you for even a few minutes knows how much you deeply respect women – so stop trying so hard! Trust me when I say WE ALL KNOW!!

I’m a woman who well into her twenties still believed men were beasts, I feared every man I ever met until I met you in the years we have known each other you’ve never made feel threatened or intimidated – you are a good man and I want to thank you for showing me they exist.

You are better than you believe, so many people behave as if their actions have no consequences whereas you consider every step you take and the impact it might have, despite your struggles you are selfless – too selfless.

I want for you the things you don’t believe you can have – I know you can, I mean I know it I can feel it in my bones.

I hope you know that I respect you more than I ever thought I could respect a man! You have shown me what a real man looks like with your gentle kind heart you have rescued me from a dark pit of anger and bitterness towards men.

You have saved me from so many things and you never stop!

Thank you.

To My Angry Artist

When we first met I was a little intimidated, as I always am around men, but after a coffee and a cigarette, we got to talking.

You have this ability to look into me and know what I’m going through, your eyes look as if they have seen everything, they’re like deep wells of knowledge.

Your intellect overwhelms me, your ability to comprehend what most couldn’t understand in a lifetime of actively trying you just know instantly.

You read too much!

No artist is truly understood in their own generation but your dedication to your artistic self-expression will I’m sure be appreciated eventually, you’re like Van Gough, you see the world in so many ways I cannot imagine – just DON’T cut off ANY part of your anatomy!

You once drew a picture of me while we chatted and I was surprised how quickly you captured my likeness – you have a real talent don’t let anyone tell you otherwise like you always say “Only mentalists can understand”

I am both in love with how you can express yourself and yet totally afraid of it at the same time. You can tap into your anger and I can’t I’m scared if I start I’ll never stop but when I’m around you I know you will keep me safe and I feel more capable of feeling the anger and bitterness I’ve suppressed my whole life.

I remember getting black-out drunk in your flat, I puked everywhere and you looked after me – like actually looked after me I wasn’t used to not being taken advantage of and while I woke up in your bed I was alone, you slept in the living room – which I can’t imagine was pleasant or comfortable!

You are one of a handful of people I can trust, we’re just two crazy peas in a totally mental pod! Yes, we’re fucked up but so is this world we live in, thanks for helping me navigate things a bit better!

(I know how much my use of exclamation points annoys you but I can’t stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

To My Big Brother

When we first met I thought you didn’t like me, I wanted to impress you but I’m pretty sure I was just getting on your nerves!

You were so quiet in the beginning, I thought you were shy, obviously I now know that you were showing me patience, you quietly listened to my crazy religious beliefs and then once in a while you’d say something that would completely stump me. Things I had NEVER considered in my entire life you came up with instantly.

You made me think for myself and you made me feel safe enough to do it.

I’ve always wanted a big brother like you, someone sensible and realistic someone who saw through my unusual upbringing and could see me as a sensible person too.

You connected with me and helped me see that I am a rational person who’s lived an irrational life. You helped show me the difference between normal and abnormal and I trust your judgment more than I trust my own.

You call me just to talk to me because you like talking to me! Your a person with a tough outer shell and I’m honoured you trusted me enough to let me in.

You have this uncanny ability to distract me from my past when I’m around you I don’t think of it as much and your the only one who can do that. Yet when my past does come up you always have a perspective that reminds me to fight back.

You make me feel stronger, more in control than I generally feel and you totally get how little I understand subtlety!

I’ve not known you that long in comparison with most of my other close friends but you know me just as well I love that I can count on you to give me what I need to save myself – not just want I want.

The Christmas I spent with you was the best Christmas I ever had!

To My Soul Sister

We’ve known each other for a few years and despite all my baggage, you treat like one of the family! Spending time with you and your lovely family makes me happy.

For a long time, I have felt alone I’ve either had to abandon or been abandoned by almost all of my relatives, but you make me feel as if I will always have family in you.

You show love for me, for who I am and no matter how hard things are for you I can always count on you for a delicious homecooked meal!

I’ve never known such a dedicated woman, you do your very best for everyone you can and you have the most open heart of anyone I’ve ever met.

Sometimes people don’t treat you with the respect you deserve but you never stop showing respect, patience, love, and kindness to everyone regardless of how they treat you.

You are worth more than you can see, you have plenty to offer this world I can’t imagine what you could achieve if you had just a little time for yourself.

You are so strong and you don’t even see it! You get up every day and no matter how much pain you’re in you are always there for those around you, you just never stop giving!

Your devotion to your family shows as you make everyone around you shine just a little brighter, you are a wonderful mother, you make their happiness your top priority while giving them gentle structure. You treat them like individual but equally and they love you so much for this they prefer spending time with you and not with their friends – which is a flipping miracle when you have teens!

You have shown what real families are like and I’ll stop being grateful you let me be a part of yours!