I am often a bad friend, I cut myself off from those who care about me, ignore their advice, take their friendship for granted, I forget birthdays, holidays and events, in general, I hide my problems or overburden them in weepy phone calls in the middle of the night and I’m not proud of it.

I have good friends, they are kind, compassionate intelligent and mature and I am lucky to have them still in my life, nothing in my life was good until these folks showed up.

As I’ve explained time and time again I find it hard to verbally express myself and I rarely show affection so these people (despite knowing me very well and therefore know how I feel) have probably never heard how terribly grateful I am for their ongoing love and support.

So I’m going to write something about all of them in terms both vague enough to protect their privacy and specific enough so at least they’ll know I’m talking about them!

I hope people reading this will at least understand how much these people mean to me and how much they have changed my life for the better – it’s these people who have helped me survive.

To My Favourite Flatmate!

When you moved in I was so happy to have you there but also sad, I felt guilty suggesting you live in such crappy student flats with me – but hey it was quite cheap!

When we first met on that protest I knew there was something about you that was just like me I spent the day eying you up trying to figure out what it was! It was on the way back we both got to see what it was that we had in common.

You have no idea how much I needed to find you, all these things I’d been dying to say to someone who could understand I had been totally silent about my life until I met you. I got to tell you things and you didn’t make me regret it.

You had a cool, calm, patient demeanour and you listened to me without judgement. You explained so many things to me that I didn’t understand and slowly and patiently you showed me how people were supposed to treat others.

The kind of patience you showed me helped me better understand the real world and the people in it, you helped me come to terms with a lot of abuse I didn’t even recognise was abuse at the time.

I remember a few years ago going through a meltdown, I was suicidal but there was no help available, you stayed up for days with me, keeping me protected, you didn’t try to distract me, you didn’t tell me to “cheer up” you didn’t tell me “things will get better” you just listened to my pain.

Most of all you are still, after all these years there for me when I need you I know I never remember your birthday and I’m rarely capable of getting you a gift. I would dearly love to give you all that you deserve.

To My Sassy Lassy!

When we first met for coffee I thought you were too cool to ever consider being my friend.

How lucky I am that we met and even though I’ve known you for a few years I feel like we’ve known each other for our whole lives.

You’re one of the bravest people I know, I am constantly in awe of your outspoken nature, you demand respect from others something I wish I could do.

Some people mistake your personality as aggressive (something that would never happen if you were a man!) but I know that this is not true, you care so deeply about others and about what is just and fair.

Your bravery runs deep it’s not just about asking for the respect of others but about making sure you have done what’s necessary to deserve it – you have expectations of yourself as well as others.

If you are criticized you analyse yourself and your behaviour even if that criticism is baseless.

It takes a lot for a person to recognise they’re not perfect and you are always the first to admit your faults.

Often people believe that ‘faults’ are a type of failing a wrongdoing, a point of complete personal blame. I think their wrong faults are what make us human, there’s no such thing as a perfect human being but the best kind of human being is the kind that expects things from themselves before expecting them from others.

You work hard at everything you do but while you work difficult hours you always have time for me, I absolutely love going out with you!

You are the only person who can get me out of my flat and get me to enjoy it, seeing you and hanging out is always the highlight of my week!

You are an incredibly loyal friend, you’d go into battle for any of the people you care about and I know you’ll be by my side whatever comes my way.

You believe in me so much you make me feel I can do anything, you encourage me to follow my goals and when I’m with you, you give me a confidence I never thought I would have.

You are a good person, always remember that.

To My Fervent Feminist!

I never thought the strongest feminist I ever met would be a man, I always assumed you couldn’t truly understand unless you were in it, but I was wrong.

You read “Every-day Feminism” literally every day – your more well-read about sexist events around the world and get more outraged than I do and that’s MY thing!

You know there are no real differences between men and women and you truly believe in equality anyone who has EVER spoken to you for even a few minutes knows how much you deeply respect women – so stop trying so hard! Trust me when I say WE ALL KNOW!!

I’m a woman who well into her twenties still believed men were beasts, I feared every man I ever met until I met you in the years we have known each other you’ve never made feel threatened or intimidated – you are a good man and I want to thank you for showing me they exist.

You are better than you believe, so many people behave as if their actions have no consequences whereas you consider every step you take and the impact it might have, despite your struggles you are selfless – too selfless.

I want for you the things you don’t believe you can have – I know you can, I mean I know it I can feel it in my bones.

I hope you know that I respect you more than I ever thought I could respect a man! You have shown me what a real man looks like with your gentle kind heart you have rescued me from a dark pit of anger and bitterness towards men.

You have saved me from so many things and you never stop!

Thank you.

To My Angry Artist

When we first met I was a little intimidated, as I always am around men, but after a coffee and a cigarette, we got to talking.

You have this ability to look into me and know what I’m going through, your eyes look as if they have seen everything, they’re like deep wells of knowledge.

Your intellect overwhelms me, your ability to comprehend what most couldn’t understand in a lifetime of actively trying you just know instantly.

You read too much!

No artist is truly understood in their own generation but your dedication to your artistic self-expression will I’m sure be appreciated eventually, you’re like Van Gough, you see the world in so many ways I cannot imagine – just DON’T cut off ANY part of your anatomy!

You once drew a picture of me while we chatted and I was surprised how quickly you captured my likeness – you have a real talent don’t let anyone tell you otherwise like you always say “Only mentalists can understand”

I am both in love with how you can express yourself and yet totally afraid of it at the same time. You can tap into your anger and I can’t I’m scared if I start I’ll never stop but when I’m around you I know you will keep me safe and I feel more capable of feeling the anger and bitterness I’ve suppressed my whole life.

I remember getting black-out drunk in your flat, I puked everywhere and you looked after me – like actually looked after me I wasn’t used to not being taken advantage of and while I woke up in your bed I was alone, you slept in the living room – which I can’t imagine was pleasant or comfortable!

You are one of a handful of people I can trust, we’re just two crazy peas in a totally mental pod! Yes, we’re fucked up but so is this world we live in, thanks for helping me navigate things a bit better!

(I know how much my use of exclamation points annoys you but I can’t stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

To My Big Brother

When we first met I thought you didn’t like me, I wanted to impress you but I’m pretty sure I was just getting on your nerves!

You were so quiet in the beginning, I thought you were shy, obviously I now know that you were showing me patience, you quietly listened to my crazy religious beliefs and then once in a while you’d say something that would completely stump me. Things I had NEVER considered in my entire life you came up with instantly.

You made me think for myself and you made me feel safe enough to do it.

I’ve always wanted a big brother like you, someone sensible and realistic someone who saw through my unusual upbringing and could see me as a sensible person too.

You connected with me and helped me see that I am a rational person who’s lived an irrational life. You helped show me the difference between normal and abnormal and I trust your judgment more than I trust my own.

You call me just to talk to me because you like talking to me! Your a person with a tough outer shell and I’m honoured you trusted me enough to let me in.

You have this uncanny ability to distract me from my past when I’m around you I don’t think of it as much and your the only one who can do that. Yet when my past does come up you always have a perspective that reminds me to fight back.

You make me feel stronger, more in control than I generally feel and you totally get how little I understand subtlety!

I’ve not known you that long in comparison with most of my other close friends but you know me just as well I love that I can count on you to give me what I need to save myself – not just want I want.

The Christmas I spent with you was the best Christmas I ever had!

To My Soul Sister

We’ve known each other for a few years and despite all my baggage, you treat like one of the family! Spending time with you and your lovely family makes me happy.

For a long time, I have felt alone I’ve either had to abandon or been abandoned by almost all of my relatives, but you make me feel as if I will always have family in you.

You show love for me, for who I am and no matter how hard things are for you I can always count on you for a delicious homecooked meal!

I’ve never known such a dedicated woman, you do your very best for everyone you can and you have the most open heart of anyone I’ve ever met.

Sometimes people don’t treat you with the respect you deserve but you never stop showing respect, patience, love, and kindness to everyone regardless of how they treat you.

You are worth more than you can see, you have plenty to offer this world I can’t imagine what you could achieve if you had just a little time for yourself.

You are so strong and you don’t even see it! You get up every day and no matter how much pain you’re in you are always there for those around you, you just never stop giving!

Your devotion to your family shows as you make everyone around you shine just a little brighter, you are a wonderful mother, you make their happiness your top priority while giving them gentle structure. You treat them like individual but equally and they love you so much for this they prefer spending time with you and not with their friends – which is a flipping miracle when you have teens!

You have shown what real families are like and I’ll stop being grateful you let me be a part of yours!