I’m constantly giving ‘too much information’ unintentionally in conversations with others. Just normal conversations are a minefield for me. My life has been nothing but a series of unusual events that very rarely mirror anyone else’s.
What’s happened is I’ve over-corrected myself. As a child I was often told to keep ‘secrets’. We would be driving over to visit family, attend an event and so on and on the drive would go through everything we were not to talk about.
For example; my mother would often give me a list of topics I was not to discuss. We would be in the car and she would say “Don’t tell them I’m dating/married, don’t tell them your not doing school work, don’t tell them the house is messy, if they ask you something tell them *insert lie here*
I was never allowed to show people who I really was. I had to hide a lot of my life. I was made to, threatened, and manipulated into hiding the drama that came from my experiences.
There is no innocuous topic with me. I’ve had no normal experiences so when I try to empathize I sometimes end up giving an extreme example of a similar experience.
I’ve done many, many things – if I believed it was the right thing to do I would do it without question.
I don’t know whether in the big picture some of those things were right but I believe in general I did what was best.
You may have had a medical emergency in your life or in the life of a loved one and I can relate. I’ve nearly died dozens of times in my 20s. I caught the infamous ‘swine flu’ went without treatment for too long and developed pneumonia and a pulmonary embolism. In A&E one doctor told me if I had been just an hour later they may not have been able to save me! I could go on and on each disaster more convoluted and dramatic than needed or necessary.
I’ve been a nanny, a teacher, a legal adviser, I’ve been a support worker, a social worker, a police officer, a nurse, and a carer. I’ve done hard labour like farming, I’ve been a midwife, a Human Right’s advocate, a public speaker, a newspaper delivery girl, a professional singer – all underage and underpaid. Even though I’ve never been trained formally for most of these jobs I did them anyway as was necessary.
I never intended to do so much when so young, but I had no choice. When I was 13 I had to deliver a friend’s baby after she went into labour in her flat on the 10th floor of a high rise in a blizzard. I didn’t expect it, it certainly wasn’t planned by anyone involved!
I wasn’t aware that it was unusual for a 9 year old to work on a farm or for an 11 year old to give speeches on peer pressure and bullying, nor did I consider how inappropriate it was to ask a 14 year old to teach a sex education class at a community hall for young girls.
And what was I supposed to do when I came across a man beating his girlfriend? Pull up a chair and watch? No of course I immediately tried to shield her from further harm as is only right. (I took her into my flat for safety while waiting for the police. When her mother arrived to pick her up she turned to me and said “Thank you Officer” followed by “Are you a plain clothed officer or off duty?”. She was very shocked to find I was just a neighbour!)
I’m aware that sometimes people see it as a type of ‘one-up-man-ship’ but for me I share the experience because I see the similarity. Mine is perhaps an extreme example of emergencies that do inevitably happen to most.
Now I share these extreme examples because I am bursting at the seams with them. I’ve hidden these many outlandish adventures to protect others most of my life. When I was older I realised that I kept them secret because I was ashamed. I thought people would judge me that I’d be ostracized for being different.
The hiding had to stop. The more I came to know my community and the people around me the more I realised they hadn’t the faintest idea who I was. I tried to show my competent side, I wanted to be known for being in control, hard working and professional.
Yet I still cowered if a male lost their temper around me. I still shook with nerves when I was asked a question and I had panic attacks when my mistakes were highlighted at work. Even in a normal setting it made me feel as if my colleague would dive across the table and hit me!
Part of who we are is undefinable. We’re just born with certain qualities that make us who we are but so much more of who we are is made from our life experiences, more than most will admit.
As a person in order to understand me you have to look at my life experience and admit the impact this has had on who I am.
And I do deserve to be fully understood, as does everyone. I need to make real connections with people because until recently I in public, in society in general presented myself in a more pleasant/positive light. It’s easier to pretend everything’s fine and you don’t have any problems you have less to unpack, less to explain to everyone.
I have so much more than most to unpack. I’m in need of patience and understanding and it’s so hard to do with every person I meet that you just leave the odd parts out. That creates distance between you and that person because while they may be comfortable being themselves, being open and honest with you they know very little about you because what you share is monitored and edited for appropriate content.
That’s not a real friendship or relationship of any kind. It has meant that I find it hard to connect with others. All human beings are like foreign entities to me.
Realistically I know I cannot condense my entire life story to everyone I meet, in fact writing down my experiences and sharing them with those who are willing to listen is my only way of sharing.
It’s not you who has to walk on eggshells around others but me who has to constantly hide my past in order to make you feel more comfortable. it’s you who gets treated with kid-gloves because you can’t handle the truth!
So I might share more than you’d like and it may make you feel uncomfortable but perhaps we can agree that we all deserve to be ourselves and go from there.
Survivng Life 